I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
