You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
