I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
