ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Mom said you looked used
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
