Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
