I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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