I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
