her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Betty ford says i'm here all night
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
