I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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