Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
