Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm passing your future prison.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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