i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
