I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
