Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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