i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
