I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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