We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
