I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
