she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
