Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
