I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
