During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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