i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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