Me too!
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
