My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
