Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
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