I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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