already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
