just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Randomize
