These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
