My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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