I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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