I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
it's great music for shaving your balls
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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