The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
