those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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