Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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