We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
