she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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