just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
