I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
