He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
