At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
