Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
