Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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