i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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