Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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