His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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