We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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