she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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