So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
