I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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