he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
