Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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