I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
