it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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