the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The adults are the big ones right?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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