i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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