At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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