I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize