Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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