So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
