I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
where are you?
Hypothermia
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
