I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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