You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
